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I Feel Like I Care About My Spouse’s Appearance Too Much, How Can I Stop This?

We often really want to believe that we love our spouse because of who they are. We love their personality, their integrity, or the way they make us laugh. But if we are honest, most of us would have to admit that one of the first things that attracted us to our spouse was the way they look. Sure, most of us don’t like someone who looks like a model or movie star. But, very few people end up married to someone they can’t find attractive. Your spouse may not look like the person you imagined when you were much younger (at least mine doesn’t), but most of us love the way our spouse looks. So what happens when those looks change? And should you feel guilty if this is important to you?

A woman may explain wryly: “I feel like such a superficial itch. But lately I’ve been really bothered by my husband’s appearance. And none of it is his fault. He’s had to take medication because of a medical condition. And this has made him gain weight. And it gives him a puffy look. The great irony of this is that I’m not a great beauty myself. I used to be very insecure because I thought people always thought we didn’t fit in. My husband was so handsome and I was just average looking. Because of this I felt like I had this great catch. I felt so happy. And now my husband is not such a handsome man anymore. Don’t get me wrong. He is not ugly or unattractive . In fact, now we are probably much more evenly matched, which you would think would make me more comfortable. But no, I worry about it. I find myself shopping for clothes that will make my husband look more attractive When” I gave him some of these clothes, he asked if there was something wrong with his old clothes, and he seemed hurt. The thing is, I’m not usually someone who cares so much about appearance. I’m certainly not busy with my own. And a person’s personality and integrity is usually much more important to me. I’m so disappointed in myself for being so shallow. Why is his appearance so important to me? And how can I stop this?”

I think you are a little too hard on yourself. I actually get a lot of correspondence from people who are considering a divorce or separation simply because they are no longer attracted to her. You don’t even get to that. You just notice a change. And although it bothers you, you don’t seem motivated to act on it.

It is human nature to be attracted to things (and people) that we find attractive. So, when that attraction wanes or changes, it’s natural to wonder what this means for our marriage. It’s also just a fact of life that none of us will look the way we did when our spouse first met us. Any age. Everyone changes. Some of us age better than others. But we hope that our spouse sees what is inside us in addition to what is outside.

I can only tell you my opinion. My opinion on this has always been that it is okay to expect your spouse to make an effort. I think we should all present our best selves to the world. I exercise to stay fit and I take care of my appearance as best I can based on what is realistic given what I have to work with. I would hope my spouse would do the same. At the same time, I will never look like Angelina Jolie. I am a woman of a certain age and it is unrealistic to expect me to look anything other than that. I draw the line at injecting things into my face and having unrealistic expectations. There are things you just can’t help. And I think, at least for me, that really is the difference. If there are things about their appearance that your spouse can’t help – then there’s really no good that can come from trying to change that or holding that unfortunate fact against them.

A change in appearance due to medication is very different from a change due to a love of donuts or an aversion to working out. I think it’s good to do the best with what you have – and that’s probably why you’re looking for new clothes.

As for why this is so important to you, I think it’s part of the perception that you got the better end of the deal because you saw your husband as handsome while you felt you were more average . (You may have sold yourself short.) And you may also think that his appearance is a reflection on you and your own worth. But you probably know that for most people, attraction typically changes over time. Physical attraction is only part of it. You are attracted to the person inside – that you know better than anyone else. You value your history and how much you’ve been through together. You appreciate the support and understanding your spouse has given you.

For me these things are much more important than what you see on the outside. You already know that this or that change would not bother and confuse you so much. Maybe as your husband gets more used to the medication, the changes will subside. But in the meantime, I think it will help if you put your focus on the inside, on the support, and on those things that haven’t changed – maybe his smile, his hands, his broad shoulders. I suspect that not everything has changed. And I also suspect that it will get better. This is new. And an illness brings stress. There’s nothing wrong with trying to maximize what you have to work with, but at the same time, you don’t want to hurt your husband – who is already going through a trying time. It’s better to know that you are a loving, united couple than a couple that looks great but doesn’t have that connection.

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