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Things a Husband Can Do to Show His Remorse After Cheating Or Having an Affair
The letters and emails I often receive about surviving infidelity are mostly from women dealing with the aftermath of their husband’s cheating. Many are worried that their husbands are not truly sorry about the affair, not really. Most women think that their husbands are only remorseful because they were caught. But yesterday I received an email from a man. This man was very sorry about the affair, wanted very much to save his marriage, but he told me that his wife would not believe anything he said. No matter what he said, she would (quite understandably) not trust him. He wanted to know what he should say or do to show his remorse for cheating on his wife. So, in the next article, I will share with you what I told him.
Make sure your wife knows (without a doubt) that the other woman is completely out of the picture:Knowing that your husband moved on with someone else is devastating for a woman. But, worrying that your husband still sees or interacts with this woman is excruciating. Honestly, expecting your wife to trust you again if or when you haven’t completely banished this woman from your life is too much to ask.
Your wife needs to know that she has no competition, that the only thing she needs to worry about right now is healing and working on her bond and marriage with you. So, make sure your wife knows that this woman will no longer be a factor or a problem.
Volunteer To Be Responsible. Respect their need to control you:Even the most trusting or loving woman will second guess herself (and you) after an affair. It’s perfectly normal, even with the best of intentions, to worry that the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater” is true. It is very likely that her friends will tell her to watch you like a hawk and not let her guard down for a second. The need for self-preservation is just human nature, and is nothing personal against you.
Although it may feel like an invasion of your privacy, you should allow your wife this luxury for a while. Give you full access to your phone, e-mail, credit card bills, etc. – everything that they should feel safe in the fact that you have nothing to hide. Ask her to come with you when you go somewhere, try to include her in your life as much as possible, because doing so will show that you have no desire to go alone or with anyone else.
Now, of course, there will come a time when this control will take its course. You should not have to be supervised for the rest of your life. But, you have to give your wife some space here because it is very natural and understandable that she will be hesitant.
Be prepared to do what you need to do to fix this: First, you must take responsibility for your actions. Never say things that place the blame on your wife. Listen, we’ve all heard the accusations that if women made their husbands happy at home, there would be no affairs. But, this old refrain is so lame. Everyone has choices in life. Nobody has the perfect marriage. We all wish our spouse would give us more attention and appreciation. Everyone feels this way. You weren’t the only one. But not everyone chooses to cheat on their spouses instead of doing something else to work this out.
So, you need to understand that fixing this largely starts with you. Educate yourself about what is needed to resolve the issues that contributed to the affair. Be honest with your wife without placing blame or contributing to more hurt. And, be honest with yourself about any triggers or adjustments that need to be made. If overnight trips or going out with certain friends are just too tempting for you, then you need to stop this behavior. If you need more attention and intimacy from your wife, lovingly tell her, but we are ready to give a little to get something in return.
Women often cannot break free physically until they first receive an emotional nudge. What I mean by that is that a woman probably won’t be fully open physically until she feels completely loved, understood and appreciated emotionally. Be prepared to do this work before you set expectations for your wife. And, don’t pressure her or insinuate that she should be this way or be more advanced than she is. You have dealt her a devastating blow and you must be patient as she navigates this.
Support her in her efforts to feel better about herself: I will tell you plain and simple that being cheated on is a huge killer to a woman’s self-esteem. Striking and beautiful women will suddenly feel ugly, unwanted and old. Women who are still in their prime begin to doubt that they still “have it”. In order to heal, your wife will often need to do some work on her self-esteem. Many women want to change or improve their appearance. Many want to lose weight, get a makeover, or go back to school.
Sometimes men will feel intimidated by this. Many are afraid that this “new and improved” version of their wife will cheat herself to get back at them, will outgrow them, or will remember their resentment and find something else. I understand these fears, but you need to allow your wife to become her best self, because if she gains confidence, this will probably benefit you. If she learns to love herself, she will know that she can handle anything and so the nagging doubts that contribute to her doubt and uncertainty will begin to diminish and this will improve your situation.
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