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My Husband Feels Uncomfortable Around Me Since His Affair – What Should I Do?
I often hear from women who try to save their marriages after a man’s affair, but who run into some problems along the way. I recently heard from a woman who was very sincere about doing everything in her power to make sure her marriage was restored. She was still shocked, angry and struggling, but she tried very hard to focus on moving forward. So, she definitely did her part.
And, her husband claimed that he was as committed as she was, but when the two found themselves together trying to reconnect and rebuild, it was extremely noticeable that the man felt awkward and uncomfortable. As such, these attempts to reconnect didn’t go so well. The woman said in part: “I think we’re both trying really hard, but it’s just not clicking. I can tell my husband is very tense and uncomfortable. It’s not like I’m trying to blame him or even that I bring on the affair. It’s just that the easy rapport we used to have is gone. He constantly shifts his weight and clears his throat. He rarely makes eye contact with me or holds my gaze. His discomfort is almost worse to me than the infidelity. Because we used to have such an easy, comfortable relationship full of laughter. And now it’s so awkward and forced. Why does he feel so uncomfortable when I’m trying to make this as easy for him as I can And is there anything I can do to make it better faster?” I will try to answer these questions in the next article.
A man is uncomfortable after an affair is normal, even if both people really want to get married: The woman in this situation was really worried that her husband felt so awkward around her because his heart just wasn’t invested in the marriage anymore. She worried that the man was trying to “fake” his love and commitment to her and that’s why she saw him shift uncomfortably. I could understand why she felt that way, but her perception wasn’t necessarily true.
Many times a man’s discomfort comes from guilt and things that remain unresolved. He sometimes knows how difficult a situation he has created for you and therefore it is very difficult for him to look you in the eyes and see the pain he created. And even if you reassure him that you will survive and can recover, he may still have his doubts, because he knows that he has made a big mistake of which things may not ever be the same.
Does this mean the comfort level will not return? No, it doesn’t have to mean this. It may mean that the process will take some time or that there are still issues that have not been addressed that are still causing some problems or awkwardness. Sometimes it’s best to try to have at least one open but brief conversation about this every day, because if you can do this, the process becomes a little easier to navigate, if only because you get used to
If some time has passed and you still notice the discomfort, you may want to investigate what might be causing it: Like I said, some discomfort is just part of this process. But if weeks and months have gone by without any improvement whatsoever, you might want to investigate if there are still some big and unresolved issues that are causing problems. Sometimes the man is very worried that there is still some information that you don’t know yet and he is nervous that this will come out. Other times, the man’s behavior mirrors your own, although you may not be aware of it. And in some cases the man still feels guilty and this weighs heavily on him.
The way to make all these things better is to keep communicating, keep trying to move forward and stay honest about how you feel and what you’re most concerned about. The truth is that all the issues that an affair brings can eventually be overcome with honesty and work, but that often does not come naturally. You have to be very proactive and you have to address things as they come up. Sometimes it can be very tempting to just ignore some of the unpleasant things and hope they just go away. But in my experience and observation, this is often a mistake.
Usually, ignoring the discomfort will only make it worse. No one wants to bring it up, so preventing it from actually becoming one more thing to worry about and thus only multiplying the negative feelings. Of course, the woman in this situation wanted to feel that easy familiarity that had always defined her marriage. And she wanted this to happen immediately. Although it would probably help to communicate and ask the man if anything specifically is bothering him, after an affair it will often take some time to get things back to normal.
Once the man could see the woman’s recovery and could show the woman that he was trustworthy, invested and remorseful, his guilt level would begin to improve and the woman would likely begin to see his comfort level respond accordingly. I want to mention one more thing. The man’s comfort is really not the woman’s responsibility. She can’t make him feel something that he doesn’t and beyond that offering some reassurance and moving forward, the rest is up to him.
With that said, I felt that with continued progress and open communication, this was a situation that would continue to improve so that it ended up not being the biggest problem the couple faced.
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