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Save The Best For Last – A Table With Four Legs
Have you ever worked on a puzzle without actually knowing what the picture looks like? You start off by looking for different shades and colours, and specific markings on the pieces of the puzzle, and then you find the matching or corresponding pieces. Eventually you start to identify the graphics in the background and you have some idea of what the picture is going to look like… then suddenly you pick up the one piece that fits and it all falls into place.
I had such a moment yesterday…
It was early morning that I got dressed to meet with Brian. Now Brian is one of those men that are “a man among men”. He has it all. He is just so hot. He has more sex appeal than “sex appeal”. He is a phenomenal sportsman, has a great sense of humour, with just enough arrogance to make him mysterious. He has lots of money, a sexy ass and that husky voice…got the picture?
If you have ever had the opportunity to meet with an ex boyfriend… you would know exactly what it was like for me. The dressing part, getting ready was somehow nerve racking. What do I wear? You are not the same person anymore; however, you still want to look amazing. So I confess, I did make an effort, a huge effort; mask, mini-pedi, body scrub, detailed make-up, power dressing lingerie…do I need to elaborate more?
We had an incredible time. We laughed, we chatted and spoke about the old days…exciting how quickly two people can just slip into “our world” a world that they had once shared. It was as if no time had passed and so much time passed all at once. It was great to hear that when I shared about somebody I had one butterfly for he crucified him and of course, all the other people I have been involved with. It still feels wonderful that after all these years he still does not like sharing me even if he has not seen me in a hundred years.
Well he also shared that he was seeing somebody now. Unfortunately, I know the girl, an ex celebrity’s wife. We all know the male species…they like to have a trophy on their arm, but when somebody like their ex and best friend for many years tells you… “aaikona” then I do not think it will go down well.
He also made a comment that did not go down well for me. He said the wheel turns and now “I am dating a girl who is 38…way too old for me”…him being 42… Strange how men have the audacity to think they can age and that it will be okay but woman must always stay 21, perky and hot…(hot she is I must admit).
Well enough of them, what I want to get to is; after we said goodbye I walked off with a lovely warm feeling in my heart remembering great days, great fun and being home where everything was familiar and where I could engage in great relationships. I set off to see my other soul mate…Lisa. Of course she knows him, been through every day in that relationship. We talked, shared, and laughed again reliving old memories.
While we were speaking the puzzle got to that incredible place where you know what the picture is going to be…
God works in miraculous ways. I am in awe about how my life has been presented to me with the four pillars of a great relationship. That is why I can see what the puzzle looks like and I can draw on that experience, and be in a position to share it with you so that we can hopefully all learn from it.
Lisa knows that Brian and I never had a sexual relationship; however, we were together forever. I was the loyal girl, he was loyal to a point, he would venture out, see girls, date, and enjoy the horizontal refreshments girls offered…but he always came home to what we shared. Lisa and I uncovered these four pillars…Here, I am astonished to say I have never before actually had the insight to stand on the outside and to look in Now I see it so clearly.
Brian was the “best friend relationship”…one of the fundamental pillars of a great relationship. I loved him. We met while working for Jacqueline’s. It was wonderful years. I was manager, PRO and Brian was working as a bouncer, but he also fought professionally as a super middleweight boxer. It was so easy to relate to each other. In the past so many men have said how incredible it was to meet a girl or hang out with a girl that knows so much about what men like. I am not an active participant in sport myself but I love boxing. I was still a very little girl when I listened to all the fights of our hero’s over the radio, in the days when TV was not even on the map. I recall “watching” my first boxing tournament when I was about four, after I had had my tonsils taken out. There was Pierre Fourie, then later Callie Knoetze and then our world champion Gerry Seer Handjies Coetzee. (He was thus named by Leon Schuster who wrote this incredible song about him after he had won the title. Gerry had broken both his hands during that fight but he still managed to bring the title home.)
My father has been blessed with three girls who love sport. We at times embarrass men with our knowledge of rugby and many other sports. We often went with my dad to watch motor racing and it may be worth mentioning here that: cricket I do not do. Here I must also acknowledge that in my social circle all the girls share the same views on sport. We are not the type of girls that men complain about when they want to go and watch a game…we are the girls that set up the party and help our men to have an unbelievable time enjoying the game together with them – side by side.
Girls if you are not sure how you feel about this you will get serious brownie points if you make the effort to get interested in sport. Know what is going on, be interested and enjoy the moment. WARNING please do not ask questions while the game is on…And if you have a problem with passion then I want to dare you to go and watch something great together. The exhilaration is great, the adrenalin… in fact all you need to pump up the sex life a bit…try it…
So dating a boxer was just so easy. I loved the sport and enjoyed the life that goes with it. (Something like footballers wife’s…ïÂ Š) Brian was my best friend. We did what great friends do, we were always together, we cooked and talked and had fun. We did things impulsively. He would come home and we would decide to drive to Nelspruit to have lunch with his sister. You would not believe this of me…after work I actually sneaked into the police barracks (he was in the police force at that time) and stayed the night. I cannot believe I was so brave. If you can call it, brave. We had fun! We danced; we went to movies, shopped, played tenpin bowling, played squash, went to art galleries, and drove around South Africa. We also had huge fights at times. Well I really did love him; we spent many years together in each other’s life. He actually dated two girls during that period of time and they had horrible break-ups and of course they hated me with a passion; “This friend of Brian that is just always there”.
Maybe it was because he always came back to our relationship. However, in both cases these two girls had nothing when they broke up. They were rock bottom and phoned me to support them. I am so blessed to say that both of these girls are now happily married and still very good, close friends of mine. Supporting them in those times turned out to be such a worthy investment. They are loyal, supportive and fabulous girls. Looking back at that relationship with Brian, after all the world experience I have gained and after being a world away from there, I must say I have seldom met people that have had that kind of relationship. We were very good friends with the late Charlie Weir and Linda, they had this kind of relationship. My one friend Sandy and her husband in a way also have that relationship; however, it borders more towards a soul mate relationship. It is a gift, a blessing to be able to laugh with somebody and at each other. It takes the edge out of everything. It can save your relationship.
Brian was my every day oxygen. I cannot actually recall if I went through bad times when we broke -up. We were in a relationship yet at times-just friends. I think difficult times were always kind of in between…you know him coming and going. So maybe my heart was being chipped away bit-by-bit and when we finally grew apart, it was not as if my life had collapsed. It was just over.
Maybe I have to take a minute to breathe because it was then that I met Jurg. I knew about him for years because he was my sisters Kung Fu trainer but had never been introduced to him; until one night at a fight where Brian was fighting…. No need to tell you about the relationship I had with Jurg. Most of these pages are full of little stories about us. Jurg was my soul mate relationship. Scary, because I always believed you only have one soul mate, so do not ask me how I feel about it today because I do not know what I believe about that view anymore. Many times Jurg and I said we had met each other at the perfect time. We were grown-ups, had lived life, knew about life, and we were just so ready to be each other’s soul mate.
Sharing with Lisa last night made it all so clear again. Jurg is that type of man who always listens. He remembered everything that was important. I would go and pitch a big concept and he would phone and talk about it in detail. He would never slip or forget about a meeting that was important to me, or a friend that I was worried about or about family problems. We talked and talked and talked. He was the one person who knew the core of my vulnerability. He knew my tears, my bad days and my great days. He knew my strengths and my weaknesses and loved me anyway. The same applied to me. You know how much I loved him and adored him. The one part of our relationship that never grew was our sexual relationship. We had great sexual chemistry between us but sadly we never made enough time for sex, for intimacy. Emotionally we had a dangerous bond. I knew Jurg. We could be on the opposite sides of the world, and we would still be able to connect no matter where we were.
Having this relationship with him was also incredibly special if you keep in mind what type of life style we lived. He was extremely rich and his life was all about making money. He is one of the most well-known Kung Fu masters in the country and in some parts of the world. He grew up without a father. He is Afrikaans. All this shout for not showing any feelings, a no communication man: “A typical South African man”. However, Jurg is nothing like that. I have so much respect, admiration, love, and passion for him. He was never my best friend in the way best friends hung out and did things together; he was my soul mate, my close friend. He was my thoughts, my shadow, and the rhythm of my heart. You do not ever walk away from a relationship like that. Together we made it the most potent union you could imagine. Over the years I have listened to all my friends in different countries and learnt it is almost impossible to find a man like Jurg.
As I have told you before I know all of him; I know all his dark sides and loved him anyway. Isolated from me I would still say that he is a great man, a man of integrity, loyal; he has class and inner strength. He is dedicated, he has passion, he is well-travelled, groomed, and spiritual, has a great body, and is just the most beautiful man. Together we were unbeatable. I will always have the highest admiration for him. Will always adore him, miss him and wish him back in my life. Now looking back, with the puzzle in my mind, I can see this unbelievable relationship was just too intense, too “soul matey” too little fun. We needed that best friend- hanging out together – playing darts relationship and we did not have it. We had it all but we did not have that Sunday afternoon best friend relationship…
Then there was Adnan. I am not one of those girls who have a skeleton in the cupboard I own a cemetery… I had a relationship based on a mind connection (best friend)with Brian and I had the soul mate relationship with Jurg, now Adnan was my sex pillar, my body link or better to say we has an intimate relationship. Yes intimacy we had that. We watched a DVD with more passion than James Cameron reflected when he made the Titanic. We made love and we made love and we had great sex. Sometimes we did not have sex, we kissed, we kissed, we held hands, and we ate late at night surrounded by a thousand flickering candles. We met for lunch, rushed home, and made passionate love on the kitchen sink. We stayed in bed for three days and just made love and slept and talked and looked at each other. If I say we made love then I am not solely referring to penetration. We made love…it was about playing, touching and just being together. Of course part of that relationship did have best friend ingredients, we had lots of fun and plenty of togetherness. We were very close and our bond was very strong but there was never a bonding of souls. The break-up with him was the most profound in my life. I think that was the closest I have ever came to wishing that I would die, because living without him was the worst thing, I could possibly ever imagine.
My apologies but I am not going to speak about sexual ties here, or the binding, having sex outside marriage and all the rest. You are fully aware that I have confessed all; bringing all that before God and having dealt with it. This is not the chapter for this discussion.
If you like me, and you have a bookshelf that looks like an Exclusive bookstore, you will know that every relationship book will tell you that the perfect relationship must have all four pillars. Separate from soul mate is also spiritual. Other than soul mate a relationship must also be spiritual.
A table with only three legs will not necessarily fall over. But it won’t be a sturdy table. The proof is evident if you just take my three pivotal relationships. Of course, there have been many more men, (to all those men I loved before) and more relationships and friendships but these three men were the men in my life. Perhaps a relationship needs a fourth pillar to be perfect?
I have never actually been involved with anybody who is not in some way or other a huge player in their respective industry. You do not need to test the six degrees of separation to find out if somebody knows Brian…they all know him. Jurg is a man of solid rock; they do not get better than that. Adnan is huge in the Arab world. He works as an executive producer for Arabic films and manages the top Egyptian actors…they do not come bigger in the Arab world. They are all three fine, drop-dead gorgeous, larger than life type of men.
Each one of these relationships was intense. Take my word for it, because I have worked with hundreds of woman around the world and we had in a couple of years what many women may not have in a lifetime. We loved each other and will always be part of each other. However, not one of these three relationships made the “Live happily ever after punch line”.
With the mix I have just described to you, what would make a lasting relationship? A lasting relationship is a perfect relationship, but no relationship can be perfect when one of these legs is missing. They say if you have a bad relationship then sex is everything. I have experienced that, not that the relationship was bad, but coming from the soul relationship that I had with Jurg it was most probably like having some of your limbs removed. I craved for that soul relationship; I missed Jurg even though I was in a great relationship. I missed having that connection with the man that knows me inside out. I always said, maybe it is a movie line…the worst day with Jurg was still better than being with anybody else. So then not having the soul mate part, the intimacy became everything to me. But for Adnan it was different, he had the best intimate sex, best friend, soul mate relationship of his life. He had with me what he never even knew existed, therefore, he had all three pillars in the relationship but I did not. If parts are missing then you lean heavily on the other parts, that is why intimacy became very big for me. It became my drug. I was very addicted to my man. I loved every single part of his being. I suppressed all other things and gave myself completely to what we had.
Brian and I were so much younger and it was what it was. I started growing up and longed for deeper stuff. Therefore, that relationship did not work. With Jurg it was too intense and little fun.
Sometimes when I take a moment to look back on my life I can honestly say I have a better understand of the saying: “to love and to have lost is better than never to have loved at all’. Every single day I hear from my girlfriends, from every woman who sits in front of me during counselling, or in a workshop that their relationship is not working. Most of my girlfriends have never had a man they can talk to, who they can share a lifetime of stories with.
I cannot imagine being with somebody who I cannot share with, who I cannot sit on a sofa and talk to until the early hours of the morning.
Now I have learnt… we are all like the Israelites, we can have Canaan in seven days but like them, we will wonder the desert for forty years before we get it.
Today I consider myself very lucky not to be married. I am so much wiser, more experienced and so healed inside. There would be no excuse for me if I were to get involve with somebody who cannot supply all four legs of the table.
A building is not very stable if it does not have four pillars to support the roof and neither is a table very stable if it has only three legs. So what would the 4th pillar in a relationship be? It’s that “for better or for worse” commitment that binds a relationship, the thread that links the other three pillars: That persevering commitment that when the going gets tough you don’t get going, instead you hang in there with all you have to fight the storms, to walk through the deserts together, carrying each other from time to time, sharing in joy, in sadness, in sickness, and in health, yet all the time building on the relationship you together have with the heavenly Father. Remember a relationship needs to grow and this will only happen if you give each other space to grow and to reach their own potential. And at the same time you must know that you cannot change your partner to be someone else, a Jurg, a Brian, a Brad Pitt, you must accept him for who he is – faults and all. You must just love him, so that he can love you too. As the years go by that sexy man loses his sexy body and the intimate relationship is not as intimate as it was at first. There are times when you wonder what has happened to your soul mate? He has not left you but with the interference of children, family and work responsibilities, that invade your life temporarily, that soul connection can wane for a while, bit it is never gone. The only pillar that helps you over the obstacles is: your best friend he will always do his best to stand beside you. It’s then that the soul mate comes to life again and the intimacy… let’s just say the romance is still there.
Come to think of it, was this 4th pillar really ever present in my relationship with Brian, with Jurg or with Adnan? Perhaps this fourth pillar is the most important pillar in that perfect relationship, and the fourth leg that’s makes the table sturdy. (Thank you Rina, you know me inside out)
Maybe you are in a slightly different position if you are already married. How many pillars do you have? Have you ever sat down and really looked at your table? How many legs are standing solidly on the ground? I assume you do understand the concept of the table having four legs? But if you do not, then just remember your table will not have a leg if you are not that leg…get that?. You cannot sit there and say NO I do not have a best friend in my partner.
Yes, we lack that. Think about it: Are you a best friend to him? Do you hang out with him? Do you communicate like a mamma and a pappa or are you best friends? Do you play house all the time; garbage and bills and sandwiches for school, or can you still be that carefree girl that can gossip with him, tell him all the secrets in the world, lie on the carpet playing board games, or play strip poker, or see who can down this the quickest, eat the fastest and then dress to kill in your “boys” outfit and go and watch a game of rugby, cricket or golf?
So do not say I do not have it if you are not giving it. It is not too late. “It is not a problem only a change of direction”. Therefore, if you already have something great going then go and see what you do not have and you go and be it, do whatever it takes and you will have it.
If you do not have that Hollywood between the sheets relationship then see how much do you contribute to not having it. I am not going to give you that pep talk about shaving and waxing and losing weight and being fit and sensual.
You better get that in order if you are not sexually a blessing to the eye. That includes cleaning up that mess in the bedroom and preparing a boudoir for lovemaking. If you have recently discussed your sex life with me then you would know how I feel about this. People already have walked on the moon, so in today’s life there is no reason for you and your partner not to have that perfect relationship. There are enough potions, lotions, and anointing oils to get this right. Make the first move, change direction. Make this the biggest deal of your life.
I am crazy about Donald Trump, when the property market crashed, he owed billions to the bank…he did not check out and declare himself bankrupt. He took what he owed the bank turned it around and said “it was his biggest deal eve”‘. Donald Trump is still the biggest come back in the history of money…and property.
Girlfriend if your partner is not your soul mate then all I can suggest is to pray him in, because this is the biggest blessing of all. I think I can still live with not having all that best friend stuff, without having all day sex, because having a soul mate will guarantee great intimacy…maybe not enough or as often, but you will not dry out like a lemon.
However being with somebody without having that, that soul mate stuff, we can talk forever, it’s like being on life support. You do not live. You do not take part, you are just alive. You are there, you are warm, you exist but you are on life support.
So girlfriend I am not sure what you are going to do. Nevertheless, I have made my choice. Years ago, Amor a great friend of mine, (if you have a copy of my book “How to be a plus size model” (then you will remember that she is Mrs. Style) said to me that one day when I get married I should play “save the best for last…”
Never made sense then, but now that I have had my journey and I have tracked through a real desert, an emotional desert and I have healed my stuff, and taken off my mask now I am so ready to be with the best I have saved for last.
You see I always looked for those other pillars in the men I have been with. However, what I did not know then was what I know now: it starts with me.
I am that.
I also believe that the moment I surrendered to Father; all of who I am and what I have, I opened myself for Father to prepare me, to heal me, to train me, and to work in me so that I can be perfect for the man who has been saved for last.
At some level, I always said I really do not care about getting married; having a partner is also good for me. Recently I listened to a teaching and where I am now, and with the relation I have with Father, I do not want to settle for being just somebody’s partner. I want it all; I want somebody to love me and to respect me so much that he cannot live his life without me and only me as his wife. This has been a big transformation for me.
Before I wrote this chapter I wished and hoped that God would work a miracle in Jurg so that he would come back into my life. I desired that with all of my heart because I had changed and because it has always been my biggest dream that he is part of my testimony. Now I want the best for last, regardless if it is him or one of the three, or perhaps somebody completely new with all the pillars in place.
It is never too late to save the best for last and never too late to change a stale relationship into something great. “Truly, I say to unto you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be lost in heaven”‘. (Matthew 18:18)
Learn from the past, that is why there was a past. Do not act the same thing out and expect a different result…it not gonna happen that way. Respect yourself. Be the woman a man would want to be with.
Nobody can really help you if you do not have God in your life. Without Him it’s almost impossible, because with Him all things are possible. You can have the perfect relationship, something that you always dreamed of and hoped for. If you have not read, “The five love languages from Gary Chapmin” then get it. It is worth the effort to mix that into the bowl that cements the relationship pillars.
Do not dare to settle for less not even for one more day!!!!
Life is too short. Life is too precious. Go and surrender to Father, whatever “leg” you do not have in your relationship, give all of who you are and what you have to Him and you will see and watch and feel what He will do for you. I bet you will save and have the best for last.
That is what I am waiting for, the absolute best: The man that God has prepared for me, who now sits at home saying “I am ready to be with the most incredible woman in the world. It does not matter how old she is, where she is, or how she looks. I want all of her, I want to taste her soul I want to be her thoughts, her shadow, her future.” Love to share this with you.
I wish you well, and bless you with the love of the Lord.
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