Is It Normal For 9 Year Old To Gain Weight My Personal Story of Incest

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My Personal Story of Incest

This a very personal journey of survival and healing, I hope to inspire and provide insight.

(incest – refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons (often within the immediate family) that is illegal or socially taboo.)

I was adopted as a baby in a family. I was one year old when the adoption process was completed and I went home to live with her. By the time I was four or five years old, the first seizure attack happened to me. As a baby I developed the same bonds with my mother and father as if they were actually my birth parents. The assaults were all very brutal, gradually as I got older even more and more painful, my father used cruel evil mind games on me and twisted the truth and twisted my thoughts to suit his needs. I was knocked unconscious many times, on 3 separate occasions he hit me so hard I believed I was dying. He had 2 natural born children and at one point he put a shotgun to my brother’s head and said he was going to blow his brains out. We including mother, were beaten and abused every day. I will not talk about specifics because it is not beneficial in any way and will only attract predators and repel survivors because it would be too shocking and too painful to read.

For the first 3 or 4 years of my life I believe it was normal. For the next 8 to 9 years I lived through unspeakable horrors at the hands of a Psychopath Pedophile. As a pre-teen I would fight him and curse him and he would beat me mercilessly. I ran away several times and each time I was brought back home once by the police and once by a concerned family. The severity and duration of this level of abuse broke me inside, it mentally broke me into a million different pieces, all those pieces were damaged and had his mind manipulations stamped into them. When I was 12 years old, the last assault on me ended my reign of terror because my father left and moved to California to work for an elementary school as a bus driver.

What follows is my journey through the devastation of what happened and my gradual recovery. By sharing this with the world I hope to reach fellow survivors with the goal of inspiring and perhaps gaining insight into the recovery process. Not everyone will be able to relate to me, not everyone’s abuse was so severe, some survived much worse. No matter what level of survival you come from, I still hope that by sharing my struggle and my journey of healing with you, that you can find inspiration and take away some insight or some knowledge that will touch your life and be helpful.

During the 8 years of commitment my only goal was to survive to be an adult so I could escape and be free. (I didn’t know then that being free would mean 8 years of hard work in intensive therapy sessions.) As a child I clung to the belief that somehow I could find a place somewhere and people who loved me and don’t abuse me I clung to that belief; it helped protect my spirit and that immense hope also helped keep me alive. When I was very young and the seizure attacks would occur, I would repress the memory of it as soon as the attack stopped. I didn’t know it had happened. I became more and more wary and afraid of something trying to destroy me, but I couldn’t tell you what it was. As the seizures continued, I learned how to completely disassociate myself from my body and even sometimes I would remember a floating feeling and look at the scene. I became a very light sleeper and the slightest noise would wake me up immediately. Slowly the full weight and burden of the memories and countless intrusions came into full consciousness and I began an impossible task of suppressing the thoughts and trying to keep control of the absolute chaos in my mind. My dissociations from my body during the abuse was a relief and helped me to survive, but gradually I realized that I maintained a level of disassociation from my body all the time. This was a problem because once or twice someone would hold my hand and I would look down feeling a sudden awareness that I had a hand and it was so small and warm in her hand. I will talk more about this in the future post.

I tried as a child to stop the abuse by telling friends, strangers, teachers. I told a police officer in Lousiana that I was being abused and he did nothing to help me and took me home because I ran away and my father saw me delivered to the house in a police car and later beat me unconscious. I told my mother, grandmother and neighbors that I was abused, no one helped me they turned their backs on me and my grandmother beat me so bad blaming me when she yelled at me. I was so alone.

(sidebar here: if a child tells you that they are being abused by their father, the last person you call is the father or the family. You are putting that child’s life at risk, because in my case, my father especially pleasure of beating me so badly on those occasions that I thought he was killing me, I blacked out and thought I was going to die.)

So when a concerned person who I had told that I was being abused called Child Protective Services, I was fine in high school and when I was taken out of class to the counselor’s office, I was so scared for my life, then my first and only intervention came much too late… because at one point my father had held a shotgun to my brother’s head and told my brother that he was going to blow his brains out, so I decided that this man would probably kill one or all of us. So I did what I felt I had to do and I denied everything, sobbing hysterically; that the social worker begged me to come forward and they would protect me but I didn’t see how and my fears were so ingrained in me and since I had lived so long why risk that evil man killing me if I so close am freedom so I deny everything, in tears, in absolute fear for my life. It was too late.

My mom and dad divorced when I was 12, his last abuse was public humiliation. But at 17 I moved from my hometown and from all those peoples life for nine years I never talked to anyone in my family. As for my father, I chose never to speak to him again.

So if you find yourself in the middle of abuse, seek help, you deserve to be safe and from the 70s when I tried to get help until now, there is a greater awareness of commitment and more facilities to reach out for help. I hope my writings help give you hope for your journey of healing.

My experience left me with total chaos in my mind and a body that was numb and out of touch with reality. All the thundering extreme and very intense emotions of pain, shame, humiliation, disgust, all those kind of feelings are common and with time and guidance they become like a faint whisper that you can hardly hear and as you walk through the darkness you will believe find the end of the tunnel and you will come out into the light and your heart will soar with joy and peace and love. I know because I am in the light and have been in the summer sun for many years, it really does get easier. Please stop and take inspiration from me. I have come back into the darkness to write for you, to take your hand and say come this way with me out of the darkness and into the summer sun. Be brave and walk with me on this journey you are no longer alone.

Let me tell you, from my heart to yours, you need to seek professional help and make a commitment to never be like those people, ever. Never allow the abuser to win. Incest is generational abuse, make your stand right here and now, don’t let incest pass from you to your children’s generations. Now begins your true journey to healing and recovery. Have courage and take it slow, this is not something that can be rushed.

In Dallas you can look for Pastoral Counseling and Education Center and also Incest Recovery Association. Both of these agencies were instrumental in my recovery. My heartfelt blog is not intended to replace professional help. Books to read…Nobody’s Ever Cried for Me, Wounded Heart, Bold Love, The Shack.

You may not know at the moment how deeply your abuse your thinking, your behavior, your belief systems, your sexuality, self-esteem, self-worth, future relationships, everything about you has been changed by your perpetrator, but now is the time to make up lost ground . Take your thoughts back by doing this: take a thought to its origin to find out if it is based in the truth or based on the lie of the abuser.

These are simple examples, there are much deeper and more complex thoughts within all of us:

I used to think I deserved to be abused. Well, that’s just not true. It is a lie from my father that he used as part of his mind control over me.

I used to think I was a bad person and somehow it was my fault. Well that’s just not true. It’s a lie again made up by my father to shame me and control me.

Find the thoughts you have and write them down, please do this with the guidance of a counselor for your safety and to ensure you get to the truth. Take that thought or belief back to its origin and find out if it is grounded in truth or in lies and this is how you really begin to set yourself free.

Dallas Pastoral Counseling and Education Center as well as The Family Place are great agencies to seek out. Another great book, “The Shack”.

Our thoughts become our behavior, start taking your thoughts back from the control of the abusers and In the next post I will discuss behavior….

Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes; you will rise again whole and renewed.

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